A thing or two.

The past four months God has brought me to a place of a time of reflection. In February, I really felt God say, "Let's take a walk, we need to talk." My initial thought when I hear these words, is "oh no, I am in trouble". What does He need to talk to me about?
So, God has taken me on a walk. Here is a couple of things that He has discussed and revealed to me so far...
Discontentment...a longing for something more...being thirsty, but not finding something to quench that thirst. I believe these things have slowly intensified through the years, coming to its climax this past year. Jared and I have been married for six years. We have set out to make a better life for ourselves. Year after year, we put more and more time and hope into the idea that, one day, when we have landed that perfect job, have the right cars (that don't break down in the middle of the intersection), have the perfect house, have all the right clothes, a family of our own, then we will have satisfaction and contentment. We have unintentionally rushed into a life that we thought would make everything seem right.
In January of 2007, we thought we had arrived. Jared got hired on with the fire department. We had spent the four years prior to that sacrificing our time and money. Jared had only been able to work odd jobs, while he was heavily pursuing this. Three nights a week, pulling shifts at the station, another few nights a week doing firefighter school, then EMT school. Volenteering at Medic One to get an extra jump on training. He had taken a job with a private ambulance company to get the experience, yet not being paid hardly enough to survive. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad, we met some very amazing people, that to this day, we greatly respect and enjoying catching up with.
When we got the call on that January morning that our dreams had came true, Jared got the job at MVFD. So, off away he went to academy for ten weeks. He was able to come home on weekends, but suddenly "the dream" became a little overwhelming. Once you have aquired your dreams, you are a long way up to fall if something goes wrong. Suddenly our dream became our stress. Jared wanted to be a great employee, not just another regular Joe. Which is a characteristic that I greatly respect in him, he doesn't just do his job, he does it with all of his heart. Some of you are familiar with what it is like to be a rookie at a FD. They are constantly making you prove yourself and pushing you to the max. People have this idea that FDs are all about families, yet if that is the case, why do so many get divorced right off the bat? Why do those parents have to split up and suddenly, one night their kid is one place and the next they are in another?
It was during this year, that Jared and I felt we were suddenly on our own. He was feeling like I wasn't understanding all the pressures he had at work. I felt alone. It was my first year of being a full time stay at home mom, which has been amazing, but I had been so used to being cheered on daily at work.
So, the need to be fulfilled and to have my thirst quenched came up full force. Suddenly, I felt that if I just had more, then I would be satisfied. Financially, we could do that. So, the clothes that I always wanted, I could buy. I could dress Katelyn in the outfits that I had always wanted to put her in. We were able to get the cars that we dreamed of. I could take Katelyn and be involved in any play group or activity that I desired. The list goes on and on. Then, when I laid my head down to sleep, I would realize that it wasn't enough. At night, I felt like I couldn't sleep, because I still had this hole that wasn't being fulfilled.
In October of 2007, one of the things that I had wanted so much, was to try for another kid. Katelyn is such a blessing, she brings so much joy. I wanted to have the next one. This was something I had been desiring for over a year. So, Jared and I made the decision to start trying. Suddenly, I was pregnant in November. Talk about a quick answer to prayer. Jared and I were ecstatic. Not just ecstatic, more than that. We began to dream of having a family of four. We began to plan out life with this new one. Then, in December, I got a call from the doctor. "Things aren't looking so good with this pregnancy". I thought to myself, everything is fine, the doctor must be mistaken. I know things are going to be fine...but they weren't. We ended up having a miscarriage in December. On one hand, I didn't know if I should be devastated. I didn't understand why I was taking it so hard. If I looked at the facts, the baby hadn't felt any pain at that point. We hadn't even told anyone we were pregnant, so no one else was affected by it. But still, it was heart breaking for us. It was heart breaking, because that baby was something we had wanted and hoped for. We already had dreams set out for that baby in just the first few weeks that we found out. We had grown to love that baby, even though it was just the very beginning. By the end of December, Jared and I were hanging on to the threads of our marriage. He was still holding on tight, but I was losing hope that we would ever be able to have a good, strong marriage.
In January, we should have been celebrating, it was the end of Jared's probation year. He had worked so very hard. His coworkers liked him, he was getting all positive feedback. Everything was looking secure. We pictured Jared moving up through the ranks, staying there until he retired. Suddenly, Katelyn got really sick. Each day she was beginning to get sicker and sicker, and at night, is would get even worse. She was having troubles breathing, she would cough non-stop. If you looked at her chest, you could see her heart struggling, pulling far up on her chest. So, we took her to the ER. St. Pete's didn't know what was wrong, she sat there for 4 days, while doctor after doctor came in and just looked puzzled. The problem was, she was getting worse. So, she was transfered to Children's Hospital, and still, the doctors weren't sure what was going on. They had a few guesses, but the medicine they were giving wasn't making her any better. During this time, Jared and I made the decision for him to continue to go to work. It was his final weeks of probation and he needed to be at work. In this time of crisis, we needed to try and carry out our "dream".
Katelyn finally got better, the doctors think they found the answer, but in reality at that point, she just got better, without anyones help, but the prayers that went out for her and God's hand. She still had a lot of testing she needed done to try and get some answers, in case this happens again.
She was released on Tuesday. Now, during that time, I had become sick. No wonder, I thought, I have been worried sick being by her bedside. That evening, Jared and I found out we were pregnant again. This time, we were confused as to how to feel. One month earlier, we had just lost a baby, and didn't feel safe to get excited about this one. We were afraid to invest our heart into this life, because what if something goes wrong again?
Thursday, the same week rolls around. Jared goes in to work. It is his final day of probation...WE HAVE ARRIVED! Security is ours! Then, he goes in to have a talk with the chief..."we have decided to let you go"...WHAT? WOW? WHY?
In February, I became really sick, not only did I have severe morning sickness and a lack of energy that kept me glued to the couch, going to bed early, but I got pnemonia on top of it. Then Katelyn got very sick again, and ended up back in Children's Hospital. Then, when I was done with pnemonia, I started having some problems with the current pregnancy, and ended up in the ER a couple more times.
At that point, is when I felt God saying, "let's go for a walk, we need to talk".
So, the past four months have been a slow walk with the Lord. It has had it's ups and downs, but God is so good and loving.
My testimony is continually being written. When all of our "dreams had come true", when we had "finally arrived", when everything seemed "perfectly in place" I was still left empty, I was still thirsty, I would still lay my head down to rest and feel completely alone.
To some, it would seem that life pretty much fell apart for Jared and I. That what happened to us was a tragedy. Why would God allow that? I think that was my initial thoughts at the beginning of this walk God has invited me on.
But, at 4am this morning, all that is on my mind is, "God, you are so good! This weak person says, I have strength. This poor person says, I am blessed! Your love always endures!"
Suddenly, I am finding joy and contentment in the simple blessings that God is pouring out. No, he isn't pouring out fortune, and no, we don't "have it all". But, Jared and I do have eachother. These past few months have strengthened our marriage, our priorities have come into line with eachother. We have the most beautiful and sweet daughter. There isn't one day that goes by that Jared and I don't look at eachother and just smile over something silly she has done. We are now six months pregnant with Titus. Our boy! We already love him so very much. Each night, I snuggle up with my dog in bed,(yes, that is right, in bed, the dirty dog sleeps in bed with us every night). Of course, Jared is always kicking him out, because Calvin thinks his place is in between the two of us. Every night is a miniture king of the hill battle. We have family that has shown such love and support for us and some friends that have stood by our side even though we seem to not have anything to offer.
And life goes on...beauty for ashes. Sometimes what grows up out of the ashes is stronger and more beautiful than what it was before. And to that, we once again say, "Thank you, Jesus. You are good! Your love is always enduring! You are our hope and our portion. Our cup runith over! Those who drink from you will never go thirsty again. You are faithful. You never let us fall. You are always there. We are so very grateful. Amen."