Glory road.

"The glory we receive from men corrupts because it is second hand glory. The only glory we should seek should come from the Glorious One and through His agency of authority. Seeking glory from man not only corrupts but also destroys." -R.Parsons

I came across this quote in theology class last Sunday morning. I feel as if this quote is the center of what God is wanting to work on me about, at this point in my life. Growing up, I had incredibly supportive parents. They showed up at every game, helped me with homework, and from an early age, told me how speical I was. I really feel that the way they looked at me, it was as if God was speaking through them, trying to help me understand what exactly He thought of me.
The problem that I have faced through the years is the need for approval and to receive feedback that I am special and doing an amazing job. I have worked in jobs that I have been praised, or played on sport's teams that I was able to feed my need for glory and credit. The one thing that I found in myself, is that the glory only lasts for a moment, then you are left dry and thirsting for more. I become a black hole that sucks in and devours it, but then when the words are done, they quickly disappear with no trace.
When I became a stay at home mom, this was the ultimate challenge for me. Time and time again, Jared would encourage me and tell me what a great job I was doing, but it didn't really sink in. The older I get, the more and more I realize that I am not the center of the universe.
Since I have gone to work for the state, and the reality that I am, for the most part a number...#OR0187265 (that isn't my exact number of course). I sit in the center of a building, on the second floor, in my cubicle, #56, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (except this week, I had Veteran's Day off, yippy!). I work my very hardest, all day long, sometimes trying to accomplish so much, that I am sweating by mid-afternoon. When I get done with my work, I slip on my jacket and head home. No praise, no glory, no reassurance that I am valued and that someone is proud of me.
My inner dialogue begins to kick in. No one is acknowleging you. Are you doing a bad job? Does anyone notice that I am working hard? If they aren't giving me praise and credit, maybe I am not doing a good enough job.
The next morning, I head into work and work as fast as I possibly can, I break my own records, I learn a lot, I create new ways to be more effecient and organized. Maybe now I will get praise and glory. Five o'clock roles around, I put on my coat and I head home.
The next morning, I come to work, an email goes out to everyone in my group, "Well done, group. You are doing great, keep up the good work!" Now, I would like to say that receiving a group email that was sent out to the entire floor would give me the satisfaction and drive, but it doesn't, it makes me feel even worse.
Finally weekend roles around, on my way home, the employee in front of me has a bumper sticker that says, "Thank a union member, after all, they invented the weekend." I chuckle a little and instead, "Thank you, Jesus for the weekend!"
So, all that to say, on Sunday morning, when I came across this quote, it really stood out to me.
It reminds me that no matter what kind of praise and glory, I may recieve from man, I will still be left dry. The more praise and glory I receive, the more I am dependant on it. I am stealing this analogy from Joyce Meyer, I inherit an 'approval addiction'. (By the way, I never finished that book, because it was all about the whole, God loves you and you are valued by Him, which at the time, I thought was so simple and not worth my time).
Every one of us has seen celebrities that are in the lime light, they are idolized and praised every moment, yet they are the most miserable and empty people. As the quote says, in the end, the praise of man will destroy.
All this to say, I believe that the career path that God has taken me into, is perfectly the place that He is wishing to strengthen and heal me. Tomorrow, I plan on working as hard and I can, being the women that God has created me to be, and at five o'clock, smiling, and knowing that God is so very proud of me. In the end, when I can truely take that to heart, I will finally come to peace with who I truely am.