The Battle of the Will

"This day I call heaven and earth as witness against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life, and He will give you many years in the land He swore to give your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." -Deuteronomy 30:19-20 When I was younger, I was still trying to form a clear picture of what was best for my life and what wasn't. The focus of my prayers was that I would be given wisdom and that my steps would be directed by God. I think I had an image that if I had the wisdom in knowing what was the right path or not, that I would clearly take it. As time has gone by and life experiences have brought me more of a foundation of what is right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, safe and unsafe, I have found that I know what path I should be taking, but at times, I become stubborn or resistant to making the right choices. I know that if I exercise, I will have a strong body, but at times, I struggle to get the motivation to get up and do it. I know that when I eat healthy, I feel better and it is good for my body, but sometimes I just want to eat the junk food. I know that I should take my spare time to read books and work on organizing the house, but instead I would rather sit on the couch, watch TV or follow friends on Facebook. So, I started out wanting to obtain wisdom, and God has blessed me with many tools that I have available. But now, once that foundation has been built, I no longer have the drive or motivation to carry out what I know is best. This past year, I have heard God's still small voice calling me out saying, "It's time to put away your childish ways and become the women that I want you to be. You are blessed and I have a special plan I want to accomplish through you." Although those words inspire me and force me to listen in and take notice, another part of me screams out that I am scared to step out and be the women He wants me to be. So, instead of taking God's hand and saying, "I accept your commission. I choose the life, blessings and plan you want to give me.", I have spent the past year running in the opposite direction. In the past year, my intimacy with God has hit a plateau. I have loved my kids, but I haven’t shared my knowledge about God in the morning and in the evening, when we are coming and when we are going. I have loved my husband, but at times out of obligation, more than being passionate and zealous about seeing our marriage bloom. I have lacked vulnerability and depth in the relationships in my life. In this past year, I have had the opportunity to choose death or life, curses or blessings. It is time to value and care enough about God, myself, my husband, children and friends and accept the life that God is calling me to and I hope that you will choose the same, because you are worth it.